Why the science says sex makes us happier
This week, our resident sexologist unpacks how important sex is for happiness, relationships and your overall wellbeing.
Q: Hey Jamie, how important is sex really for relationships and happiness? I feel quite disconnected from sex.
A:
This is a great question and one I’ve heard so many times before.
It’s incredibly common to feel disconnected from sex, whether you’re in a relationship or not. Life throws you a lot of curveballs.. stress, poor mental health, routine stagnancy, heartbreak, hormonal shifts, low self-esteem, past experiences, kids, global events, trump, wars, a new election, you name it. And I always find when I’m juggling all of that my connection to sex, and interest in it, can fizzle out.
Something I always love saying is that sex isn’t just about the act itself. It’s not just about penetration and performance and everyone ending in climax. It’s about connection, release, pleasure, play, vulnerability, and in many cases, joy. And I’ve just discovered new science to back me up.
One of the most interesting pieces of research on happiness and wellbeing comes from economist Paul Dolan and social psychologist Christian Krekel recently.
Their study, which analysed over 1.3 million real time observations from more than 20,000 people, found that sex ranked as the number one activity most strongly associated with happiness! It beats theatre, dance, concerts, museum visits, sport and exercise.
The findings also showed people are least happy when they’re sick in bed and most happy when they’re having sex, which shows how big a role our beds play in our lives.
It’s a fascinating reminder that pleasure and sexual connection are even more fundamental to human well-being than anything else.
Another study published in the journal Personality and Social Psychology Bulletin found that sexual activity is linked to increased feelings of well-being and happiness, particularly when it helps strengthen feelings of intimacy and closeness within a relationship. Interestingly, they also found that the quality of sex (aka meaningful connection and emotional presence) mattered far more than frequency.
FYI: Having a thriving sex life doesn’t mean you need to be swinging from chandeliers every night.
Sexual well-being looks different for everyone.
For some, it’s slow, tender Sunday morning sex. For others, it’s exploring kinks, having deep chats about fantasies, or even going on a long hiatus while prioritising other forms of intimacy. Sex is not a race or a competition but a practice, and it’s okay to go through ebbs and flows.
If you’re feeling disconnected from sex, the first thing I’d recommend is approaching yourself with curiosity, not shame.
Ask yourself: when do you feel most connected to your body? What types of touch or sensory experiences do you enjoy outside of sex? What kind of intimacy are you craving?
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Sometimes it’s not sex we miss, but the feeling of closeness or being desired.
One of my other favourite secret weapons is using gratitude because gratitude, as strange as it may sound in this context, can also help bring us back into intimacy.
One 2012 study found that expressing gratitude between partners boosted relationship satisfaction and fostered emotional intimacy. When we feel appreciated, we’re more likely to open up emotionally and that can lead to feeling safer, and more open, sexually.
There’s also some exciting new research, showing that even thinking about a partner’s affectionate touch or recalling a pleasurable sexual memory, can boost your mood and reawaken desire. So if sex feels far away right now, start with small ways to reconnect to your body, your pleasure and your emotions.
You could explore solo pleasure as a way back in. So check in and see what feels good to you, with no pressure.
Making self-touch that’s not about performance or orgasm, but just about connecting to your body a priority does wonders for understanding sexual identity. One study found that women who explored solo pleasure reported higher body appreciation and sexual satisfaction. And if you’re in a relationship, remember that sexual connection doesn’t need to mean penetration. Mutual massage, long kissing sessions, deep conversation, or even reading erotica together can all be part of rebuilding that bridge.
So yes, sex is important, but only if it feels important to you.
What really matters is that you’re living in alignment with your values and what you want from your relationships. Disconnection doesn’t always mean brokenness but your body showing you it’s time to turn inward and explore what sex means for you right now.
If this question is sitting heavy for you, know you’re not alone, and it’s a really good place to start. Just asking it means you’re already halfway there.
Stay safe and stay sexy.
Jamie Bucirde has a postgraduate degree in sexology from Curtin University. Her advice is of a general nature and should be taken in the spirit of the column.
On The Cusp is supported by Adult Bliss Erotica, find out more about their range to support your sexual health and wellness via their website. Read the entire back catalogue of On the Cusp here.