Rediscovering your sexual confidence
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Q: Dear Jamie,
I’ve recently broken up with a long-term partner and fear I’ve lost a lot of my sexual confidence. I don’t feel as good in my body and I am really nervous about getting back into the dating scene.
A: Sexual confidence.
That elusive mix of self-assurance, comfort in your own skin, and the ability to strut back into the dating world after a breakup. First, let me say: you’re not alone.
I don’t know if it’s just that time of year, but I’ve spoken to lots of clients or friends recently who have lost their spark and don’t know how to get it back.
Many people find themselves feeling a little out of sync with their bodies and desires after a relationship ends. But here’s the thing, sexual confidence isn’t a genetic lottery it’s a skill we learn and, therefore, can build and rebuild one small step at a time.
Let’s dive into this, shall we?
Confidence, especially sexual confidence, isn’t about being perfect. It’s about being comfortable with who you are right now.
Research shows that self-compassion, a practice of being kind to yourself, can significantly improve self-esteem and body image, which are key components of sexual confidence.
Start by ditching the idea that confidence comes after you look a certain way or meet a particular standard you’ve set for yourself.
Confidence grows when you decide you’re enough as you are, imperfections and all. Think of those people who ooze sexual confidence. It’s highly likely it’s because of the way they carry themselves, a certain je ne sais quoi, not because of how they look. It comes from within.
Breakups can sometimes make us feel disconnected from our bodies. I get it, I’ve been there. You can rebuild that relationship with yourself. Here’s where I suggest some sensual self-care. Light a candle, play your favourite music, and feel your body.
This could be through movement (dance around your living room), touch (massaging your hands or feet), or even just paying attention to how it feels to stretch and breathe. Sensory experiences like these activate your parasympathetic nervous system, which helps you relax and connect with physical sensations.
You can also try pleasure mapping!
Think of it as a solo adventure to discover what feels good. Studies have shown that exploring personal pleasure and self-touch can enhance body appreciation and sexual satisfaction.
It’s also worth re-exploring what gets you excited. And no, I don’t just mean in the bedroom.
Confidence often comes from understanding what makes you feel good; the books, movies, the people or even hobbies that bring joy back into your life.
Sexual confidence includes knowing your desires and boundaries. Spend some time exploring fantasies or scenarios that intrigue you. I call this compassionate curiosity. Sexual intelligence is the foundation of sexual confidence.
According to research by sexologist Dr. Sheryl Kingsberg, sexual intelligence involves four key elements:
- Self-awareness: knowing your own desires, boundaries and emotions
- Interpersonal skills: communicating effectively about sex and intimacy
- Cultural literacy: understanding societal influences on sexuality
- Health literacy: knowing your body and sexual health
If you’re feeling like you could work on one or all of these elements, why not dive into some more research?
Research suggests that engaging with erotic content that aligns with your values and preferences can improve sexual well-being and satisfaction. Try journaling with these four element prompts and write down what you know, feel or believe about each one.
Inner voice
If your inner voice is telling you things like you’re not attractive enough to date again or that no one will want to go out with you (again, been there), it’s time to identify those intrusive and unwanted thoughts and challenge them directly by being aware of them. Negative self-talk can chip away at even the strongest confidence.
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When those thoughts creep in, try flipping the script.
Instead of: “My body isn’t what it used to be,” say: “My body is strong and has carried me through so much.”
Or instead of: “I’ll never find someone,” say: “I am enough, and the right person will see that.”
Research shows that practising positive affirmations and self-talk can significantly reduce feelings of inadequacy and improve self-confidence over time
A new start
Dating is overwhelming, and if you’re thinking about dipping your toes back into the dating pool, start small. You don’t need to dive into apps or commit to coffee dates immediately.
Begin by reconnecting with yourself socially. Hang out with friends, flirt casually if it feels fun, and remind yourself of the joy that comes from connecting with people.
When you’re ready to date, remember that dating is as much about finding out who you enjoy as it is about being “liked”. You’ll find way more fulfilment with secure connections built on mutual understanding and respect rather than superficial approval (hello Hinge).
Feeling vulnerable after a breakup is natural.
One way to ease the anxiety is to be upfront about where you’re at emotionally. Whether it’s a casual date or a budding relationship, saying you’re rediscovering your confidence isn’t a flaw, it’s honesty and in my opinion relatable (therefore sexy).
Good partners will respect and support you. And if they don’t? Well, they’ve done you a favour by showing they’re not the right fit.
Remember that sexual confidence isn’t built in a day. It’s a journey of small steps: wearing an outfit that makes you feel good, flirting with someone and feeling that spark, or even just waking up and feeling a little more okay with where you’re at. Celebrate these moments. Positive psychology suggests that acknowledging small successes can lead to greater motivation and self-efficacy.
Here’s your sexy homework this week
Every morning, list three physical things you like about yourself, and three non-physical things you like about yourself. Say them out loud every morning. Repeat this for a week, and see if your mindset shifts. Bonus points if you try it for a month.
Confidence grows through these incremental acts of self-celebration, so celebrate yourself to teach others how to do it for you too. Rebuilding sexual confidence after a breakup isn’t about pretending you’re unaffected. It’s about stepping into your vulnerability, exploring what makes you feel alive, and remembering that you are enough as you are.
Take it slow, be gentle with yourself, and let curiosity guide you. You’ve got this.
Stay safe and stay sexy.
Jamie Bucirde has a postgraduate degree in sexology from Curtin University. Her advice is of a general nature and should be taken in the spirit of the column.
On The Cusp is supported by Adult Bliss Erotica, find out more about their range to support your sexual health and wellness via their website. Read the entire back catalogue of On the Cusp here.