The power of gratitude in relationships
This week, our resident sexologist answers a question about improving communication in your relationship..
Q: Dear Jamie, I’m finding it hard to communicate with my girlfriend. We seem to avoid conflict and let things simmer over time. Our default setting seems to be focusing on the negative. What are some tips for communicating better?
A:
This seems to be a running theme with my clients lately! A great starting point is understanding that effective communication is not just about addressing conflict but about consistently nurturing connection. One of the most transformative yet overlooked ways to communicate more effectively is through gratitude. So many couples struggle with communication and often avoid conflict until the tension simmers to a breaking point. When this happens, conversations can be reactive rather than constructive, which can leave both partners feeling unheard and resentful.
Research has shown that expressing appreciation regularly can strengthen relationships, increase emotional resilience, and even improve physical health. One study found that gratitude fosters deeper emotional bonds, enhances relationship satisfaction, and promotes long-term commitment. Another discovered that expressing gratitude creates a positive feedback loop, increasing both partners’ willingness to invest in the relationship.
Gratitude serves as a foundation for trust and emotional safety. Rather than waiting for resentment to build, shifting focus toward what is working in the relationship can create a more supportive and connected dynamic. Basically, focusing on positive behaviour creates a positive environment whereas focusing only on negative creates a negative environment. Your relationship is what you focus on.
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The power of the weekly check-In
One of the most effective ways to improve communication and integrate gratitude into a relationship is through a scheduled structured weekly check-in. I love a weekly check-in! Setting aside dedicated time for an open, intentional conversation can allow you to reconnect, share appreciation, and address anything that’s been coming up before it escalates into larger issues.
A weekly check-in doesn’t need to be long either (it can be a casual 15-30-minute conversation). You can do it over coffee, during a walk, or over dinner at home. The goal is to create a routine space where both of you feel heard and acknowledged (I call this the safety container). Starting with gratitude before discussing any challenges can help to set a positive tone while also encouraging constructive dialogue. Think of it like a sandwich. Each piece of bread is an opportunity to express gratitude for your partner, while the middle of the sandwich is a chance to express your needs or bring up something that’s been bothering you.
A weekly check-in communication sandwich looks like this:
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- What worked well in your relationship this week?
- Is there anything you need support with moving forward?
- What is something you appreciated about your partner this week?
Starting with appreciation fosters an environment of mutual respect and understanding, which can significantly improve relationship satisfaction and increase feelings of emotional closeness between lovers. Couples who express gratitude regularly report lower levels of conflict, stronger emotional intimacy, and greater long term relationship stability. Gratitude shifts focus away from unmet expectations and resentment, redirecting attention toward what is already working well within the relationship. Instead of dwelling on what your girlfriend has not done, gratitude helps recognise and appreciate small gestures. Rather than thinking ‘they never do anything special for me’, gratitude allows the acknowledgment of thoughtful actions, such as making coffee in the morning or sending a kind text during the day. Instead of believing ‘we argue all the time’, gratitude highlights moments of connection and teamwork.
And don’t get me wrong, this doesn’t mean ignoring challenges or practicing toxic positivity. Instead, it pivots to a stronger emotional foundation for addressing difficulties from a place of support rather than frustration.
Saying thank you can sometimes feel automatic or insignificant right? Yet gratitude is most impactful when it is specific and intentional. Instead of simply thanking a partner for dinner, expressing appreciation for the effort they put into cooking and how it made the day easier makes the acknowledgment more meaningful. The simple act of noticing and verbalising appreciation creates a positive feedback loop that strengthens the emotional bond between partners. Basically, you are creating an upward spiral. A common theme I see in long term relationships is people taking a partner’s actions for granted. When appreciation fades and expectations take over, frustration and resentment can easily build (and resentment does not make for sexy times). Instead of expecting a partner to complete household tasks or provide emotional support without acknowledgment, consciously recognising their efforts fosters a culture of appreciation rather than entitlement. Gratitude does not mean lowering standards or ignoring personal needs, but instead cultivates a mindset that prioritises recognising effort and reinforcing positive behaviours, leading to a healthier, more resilient relationship. A different study found that partners who felt appreciated were more likely to remain committed, put in more effort, and experience greater long-term satisfaction.
For couples struggling with communication, starting small can make a significant difference. Practising gratitude daily (I personally set a gratitude timer every day at 3:33pm), scheduling regular check-ins, and being intentional in expressing appreciation can transform a relationship over time. Instead of waiting for problems to arise, proactively nurturing a culture of gratitude creates a strong emotional foundation.
A relationship doesn’t need grand gestures to thrive! Small consistent acts of appreciation and acknowledgment can be just as powerful. When couples make gratitude a regular part of their communication, they build a partnership that feels more connected, supported, and emotionally fulfilling. So what are three things you appreciate about your partner? Don’t forget to tell them today.
Stay safe and stay sexy!
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Jamie Bucirde has a postgraduate degree in sexology from Curtin University. Her advice is of a general nature and should be taken in the spirit of the column.
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